Saturday, November 3, 2012

Why Midwives are Fat

Ok. Maybe that is a generalization. There is the occasionally sleek and statuesque midwife. But they are most likely able to also pull off the long grey hair and braless hippy theme as well. This is not the majority of midwives I know. Here are some of my observations about why many (including me) midwives are on the plumper side.
  •   Who as a laboring woman wants to lean into a bony shoulder? As a child I had one grandmother who was 92 pounds soaking wet and another who was tipping the scales at 200 pounds. Whose lap do you think I gravitated to? It is a no-brainer.
  • Most midwives have had babies themselves, and often many of them. Most midwives I know have had at least four kids and eight is not uncommon. Regardless of good genes and exercise carrying around and caring for all of those babies does something to your waist line.

  • Can anyone say adrenaline? Being a midwife is all about the adrenaline rush, ok maybe that isn’t all it is about, but it is surprising how quick you feel the need for another “birth fix”. All of those shots of adrenaline do something to your system. Adrenal fatigue anyone?

  • We often don’t have control over what we eat. We have all been at a birth, a long birth think 24 hours plus, when all there is in the cupboard is Coco Crispies. So that is what you eat for five meals in a row. Or you don’t eat. Neither is good for your metabolism.

  • We often don’t get to choose when we eat. Last night we had a five day old newborn in the ER so where were my second midwife friend and I at midnight? At Maverick stocking up on Icee’s and soda and crème filled cupcakes hoping our cold infested bodies would not fail us and we would make it through the night as our client’s support system and advocates. Followed by Rescue Remedy, echinecea, and Vitamin B6 of course.

  • Any exercise routine we establish is soon shot to pot by an overnight birth (or two or three in a row) and a baby that is feeling abandoned so he won’t let you put him down for a week.

  • The last thing a pregnant woman wants is for her husband to be checking out her hot midwife. Enough said!

  • You have no circadian rhythms. After I have been up all night at a birth I need three hours of uninterrupted sleep right when I get home. And maybe a 30 minute nap later in the day and I am good. If that doesn’t tell your body that it is stressed and it needs to hold on to all the nutrients it can nothing will.

  • We have repetitive injuries caused by assisting at births that make it difficult to exercise. I know my wrists will never be the same after the close to hundreds of hours I have spent doing hip squeezes. How does that look for my racquetball game?

  • We have to have large breasts so we can adequately demonstrate how to easily position the breast for nursing and how an over weight (or pregnant) person can indeed do a full squat with our heels flat on the floor.
No am I always happy with the extra few pounds I carry around. No. I try to eat healthy and I exercise regularly but sometime you just have to love what God gave you.

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